Mein One Regret
by Itachis-Only
Summary: If only I'd told him sooner, he'd still be alive...Many decades have passed since Germany lost the man he loved in a tragic war accident. It all started because Romano just couldn't let his brother be happy. Yaoi. Character death. OneShot. T for violence.


**((I'm back! I've been working on this one for awhile, and just kind of sat down today and finished it! Amazing, I know! This was one of my first Hetalia plot ideas, and I swear I cried like 18 times writing it, so I hope I'm not the only one who cries, ebcause that would mean I'm overly sensitive to my own writing xD **

**WARNING: Suggested Yaoi, and Character Death! This might make you cry!**

**Also, my original inspiration for this story came to me when I saw this picture on deviantart:**

**APH Soldier Side, by virus-AC74**

**It's such a tragically beautiful picture...I cried the first time I saw it, then got inspired to write this depressing thing...I hope it's good!))**

* * *

_"Run. Run as fast as you can, and don't stop until you're safe at home."_

_"But..D-doitsu..."_

_"No. Don't argue with me for once Italy! Just...please! Go home. Now!"_

_"I don't want to run away anymore...I don't want to leave you behind!'_

_"Italy please!"_

_This was not the time for him to be arguing with me. The one time I just wanted him to be himself and flee from battle, he decided to be what I had been trying to change him into for so long._

_He had impeccable timing._

_Bullets were whizzing past us, and we were sitting ducks in the open like this. He had a huge white flag clutched tightly in his hands, but he wasn't waving it madly like he usually would. It had been his initial plan of course, until I had been slightly injured by the blast of a near by land mine, and he realized just how serious this battle was. Now, he wanted to stay and fight by my side. But I knew I would loose him. I couldn't let that happen._

_"Go home! I'll come back for you!"_

_"No..I-I can't leave you! I won't! Doitsu! I-"_

_"Italy!"_

_I grabbed hold of his arms and looked him dead in the eyes._

_"Go. Home. Do one of the things that you do best; Run away! I'm not about to loose you! I will be back for you!"_

_His bottom lip trembled and tears started to well up in his eyes, but he finally nodded his head. _

_"Ok...I'll go home.."_

_I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly kissed his forehead, releasing his arms. He turned to run. And then I realized, that after all of this time we'd spent together, I still hadn't told him that i loved him, and I wasn't fully confident that I would ever make it out of this alive. _

_I had to tell him now, before it was too late._

_At the time, I didn't know this, but Romano was training his gun on mein head, ready to shoot now that his brother was out of the way. _

_"Italy...Italy wait! I have to tell you something!" I shouted, rushing after him. He faltered and turned to look at me. Romano slowly started to squeeze the trigger. He was planning to shoot me before I ever reached his brother. However, Italy began to run towards me as well, and before he could shoot, Italy was back in mein arms. We turned slightly, so my back was facing Romano, although I had no idea he was there. He grinned and retrained his gun on it's target._

_"Italy..I just..I want you to know..Ich Liebe Dich..."_

_Italy was silent for a moment, and I wasn't sure if he understood what I had said, but a grin quickly made it's way to his face, and he leaped onto me in a crushing hug. In order to retain my balance, I swung around, and Italy's back was now facing Romano right as he had pulled the trigger. I had unknowingly moved my beloved in the path of a bullet intended for mein self._

_"Oh Germany! I love-"_

_Romano's eyes widened and he shouted, "FRATELLO!"_

_But it was too late. The impact knocked me over, Italy falling on top of me, his eyes wide. I groaned, wondering just what had hit us when I felt something warm seeping through my uniform. I sat up quickly, Italy still in mein arms. His now bloodied white flag fell over his lap. "Italy? Are you...oh mein gott...mein gott no..." His eyes were wide with shock, and there was blood running down his chin. I noticed a dark red pool creating a deep stain on his uniform, and with a sickening horror, I realized he'd been shot. _

_"Italy?" I said softly, mein own eyes wide with fear. Slowly, he smiled, a small, pained smile._

_"D-doitsu...I..."_

_"Shh...Italy don't talk...don't talk! I-I'll get help!"_

_I started to panic. I could see the life draining from his eyes._

_"Fratello!"_

_I heard Romano shouting again. He was rushing towards us. But I didn't care. I had to save mein Italy. _

_"No..Germany...I-it's over...it was so soon wasn't it? I wasn't expecting it..." He spoke softly, and tears began to well up in mein eyes. I knew he was dieing. I knew I couldn't save him. The reality was crushing._

_"Fratello!" I heard again. He was getting closer._

_"No, Italy. It's not over. It's not. It can't be..."_

_"Germany...I thought I would be scared...but I'm not...I'm not scared any more...I love you..."_

_"Oh Italy..I love you too...so, so much..I can't loose you...I can't..."_

_Italy started to raise a bloodied hand to my face, that sad, gentle smile still over his lips._

_"It's ok...Everything will be o-ok..." He said, softly, his eyes slowly closing. The hand fell back to his side, almost in slow motion._

_"No...no! Italy! ITALY!"_

"ITALY!" I woke with a start, sitting straight up in mein bed, beads of sweat mixed with tears rushing down mein face. I was trembling as images of mein nightmare replayed over and over in mein mind. I'd had the same dream nearly every night since I lost him. It slowly started to be less frequent, the more time that passed, but even now, years and years later, I was still having the same nightmare.

I continued to dream my lovers death, and it was slowly killing me. The one night I never wanted to relive plagued my mind. Why couldn't I dream about something better, like the day I pulled him from that tomato box?

I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the greatest day of mein life. As irritating as he was, I found that after awhile, he began to dominate mein mind. Every minute of every day that I spent away from him, was spent thinking about him. I don't know how we happened. We just...did. He told me that he loved me countless times, but, even though I did return his feelings, I couldn't say it. I don't know why, but I wish I had.

Because if I had only told him sooner, mein little Italy would still be alive.

* * *

Of course, I'm not the only one to blame. I don't know why Romano couldn't just leave us alone. I don't know if he was jealous, or if he thought that Italy was unhappy for some strange reason, but whatever he thought, if he had just let us be together, Italy would still be alive, and so would I. I feel as though I died with him that day, and I think many of mein friends would agree.

Romano seemed to have hated me since the first day we met. I don't know why. I don't know what I did to make him dislike me so much. I have a feeling I'll never know. He was always trying to come up with ways to get Italy to want nothing to do with me. He made even more attempts once he discovered we were an item. They all failed of course. The more he failed, the more his hatred for me seemed to grow. He threatened me several times with several different things, but I knew he'd never go through with any of it. He was just as weak and cowardly as his little brother. In fact, in the end, I believe that Italy was stronger. Much stronger.

I think that things began to get dangerous the day Romano caught the two of us in bed together. I remember it being some of the best sex we'd ever had. It was lustful and wild, yet passionate and tender at the same time. When we had finished, and I was kneeling above him, thinking about how beautiful he was and how much I loved him, I had decided that I was going to tell him. But I hesitated, trying to form the words. Before I could say anything, Romano burst in and started ranting. He froze when he saw us, and then he got incredibly pissed. Yelling, screaming, cussing. I can't even count the number of times he threatened me. I barely had time to pull my boxers back on before he had thrown himself at me, trying to kill me then and there. I pried him off and Italy managed to calm him down a bit.

* * *

_"That's it, you're not staying with him any more! Italy, you're coming back home!"_

_Romano thundered as he started to pack up Italy's things._

_"No."_

_"What?"_

_"I-I said no! Fratello, I love Germany! I want to stay right here with him! I don't know what's got you so upset, but I think you should apologize!"_

_Romano looked appalled. _

_"Me? Apologize to HIM? I don't think so! Italy, get your things. We're leaving now!"_

_I decided to step in._

_"Didn't you hear him, Romano? He doesn't _want_ to leave. If you don't like being here with us, then maybe YOU should be on your way."_

_He was silent for a moment before narrowing his eyes and slowly backing out of the room._

_"Mark my words you stupid bastard. I'll kill you. You understand me? I will destroy you!"_

_I pulled Italy close and shook my head, almost sadly, saying nothing as he turned and stormed out, breaking a few things on the way._

* * *

I never imagined that he would act on this threat, just like the thousands of others he spit at me day after day. If only I had known...if only I hadn't hesitated. Once he left, the moment was gone, and I couldn't bring myself to say it.

After that day, things started to get very precarious for me. It seemed that every time I turned around I was dodging something, or someone. And poor Italy got caught in the middle of it all.

One day, I just...snapped. I was sick and tired of Romano's murder attempts. I was sick of seeing Italy suffering like this, torn between his brother and his lover. Romano had attacked me again, this time by himself, and to my face. He failed, of course, but he actually managed to throw me off. I was pissed. So, _I_ attacked _him_. And I nearly finished him off then and there.

_"You little shit! Just leave me alone! I'm not hurting you! I'm not hurting Italy! I don't know what your problem is, but I suggest you get over it! Don't you see that you're hurting Italy more than helping him? He's perfectly happy with me! Just let us be!" _

_I was holding Romano by the throat, pressing him against the wall of an old brick building. There was fire in my eyes and I could see his face turning blue as the pressure from my hand cut off the air from reaching his lungs._

_"B-bastard...I'll never...let you have...my brother!" He hissed, his nails digging into my wrist and knuckles, drawing blood, but I didn't notice._

_"It's not your choice! It's Italy's!"_

_He couldn't speak at this point. We continued to stare each other down for a few more seconds, and had one of my men not come rushing up to me with disturbing news, Romano would have been dead._

_"G-Germany, sir! It's urgent! Your house...the south Italians...they've set it on fire! It's under control. and it doesn't look as if it will do too much damage..but Feliciano is searching for you."_

_My eyes went wide and I literally dropped Romano. He started coughing and put a hand to his neck, gasping for air. I could tell he'd have some bruises where my fingers dug into his flesh, but I didn't care about that. My house was burning and Italy was no doubt having a mental breakdown. I ran as quickly as I could home. By the time I got there, the flames had been put out. My house still standing, but the top floor would need some work. Italy was unharmed, but badly shaken. He was the only thing preventing me from going back and twisting Romano's neck._

_Romano declared war against me the next day. Their battle cry was that I had attacked him for no reason, and that I must pay. I'd never seen Romano so...violent before. It was terrifying._

_There were so many casualties on both sides, and the war only stopped when Italy was shot. We all knew it was too late. We all knew that there was no way he could be saved. We rushed him to the hospital immediately anyway, in case there was still a tiny flicker of hope. The managed to revive him once, and he was being operated on for two hours._

_However, it was all for nothing. The damage was too deep. Italy's time was up._

_The funeral was held the next week, and surprisingly enough, Romano didn't try to keep me away. Practically every nation in the world was there. I don't think there was a dry eye there. Not even mine. I tried to keep strong, but I broke down when I saw his sweet face resting against the pillow in the coffin. After the funeral, Romano and I stood in front of his grave for hours after, saying nothing. Eventually he left, but Prussia had to come drag me home at 2 in the morning._

_For days, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't move. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares. When I did eat, I felt sick. Nothing that anybody said or did could make me feel any better. I knew that Italy would have wanted me to move on, but I couldn't. I could never move on from him. He was everything to me. _

_I found out later, that with a heavy heart, Romano had taken responsibility for Italy's half of their country. He refused to change his name. He wanted things to stay as they had, as if Feli were still with us._

_In the end, Romano kept his promise. By killing Italy, he _**destroyed**_ me._

* * *

A few days later, a sharp knocking on my door makes me jump. I haven't had a visitor in a few years. Prussia tried to stay and look after me, but he couldn't handle it any more.

Oddly curious, I force myself from my couch and trudge to the door, pulling it open a few inches. I'm shocked at who I find standing there.

We stand in silence for a good ten minutes at least, before he speaks.

"C-can I come in? I need to talk to you..."

My expression darkens. I hate him. I hate him as much as I hate myself. However, I step aside and let him in. I lead him to the couch, and he sits. I don't offer him anything, and he doesn't ask.

More silence.

"What do you want, Romano?"

He visibly flinches at my tone. I haven't seen him since Italy's funeral.

"There...there's just some things I need to get off my chest. Things you need to know."

"What makes you think I want to know them?"

"You probably don't. But...I need to tell you. I think it might make me feel a little bit better to just get this stuff off my chest, and you're the one who deserves to know."

I can feel anger swelling up in my chest.

"You don't deserve to feel better! You deserves to suffer just as much as I am!" I thunder.

He whimpers.

"Che palle...I know, I know. But...I need to tell you. I need to try and explain this. It doesn't make what I did right, and I want you to know that I hate myself. I really do. The guilt I feel about killing him...I know his death is my fault. But what makes it worse is why we got into this mess."

"I don't want to hear it Romano. Leave."

"No. I have to...just give me ten minutes. Please?"

I'm reluctant to listen, but in the end, I agree to hear him out. He's silent for a few seconds as he tries to decide where to start.

"I guess, the best way to explain this is to start with my relationship with Feliciano."

_Feliciano_. I haven't heard that name spoken by anyone, not even myself, in anything but my nightmares for so long...

"Everyone has always preferred him. Even when we were kids. Grandpa Rome liked Italy because he was cute and innocent. We represented the same country, I was older, and yet he got our name. We were split up, governed separately. Nobody ever paid attention to me. Everybodys focus was on Feliciano. I didn't take it out on him, because I knew it wasn't his fault. When we met up again, I tried to be a good big brother. I tried to care for him, and protect him as much as my wimpy Italian genes could. I tried to give him advice, comfort, and support. I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted to be happy too. I've never truly been happy."

I interrupt him. "I don't see what this has to do with why you hated me enough to ruin your brothers happiness. If you wanted him to be happy, then why didn't you just stay out of it?"

"I'm getting to that!" He snaps.

"When I first met you, I immediately hated you because I knew Feli liked you. I knew the two of you were in love. And...I was jealous. I've always been jealous of my fratello. He's always gotten everything he wanted while I got nothing. And yes, I wanted him to be happy, but when he found love, I broke down. I've...I've always been in love with Spain. But he preferred Feliciano too. When we were kids, he had control over my land, but he wanted my brother instead. Just like everyone else. I just grew up knowing that I couldn't compete with my brother. That everybody would always like him, and hate me. I accepted it, but when you two got so close...I couldn't stand it. For once, I wanted to find a certain happiness before he did. I wanted someone to love me before they loved him."

I can hear his voice cracking, and for the first time in my life, my (broken) heart goes out to him.

"So, I started trying to tear you guys apart. I wanted him to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I wanted, needed even, to be happy first. I wanted _him_ to long for something that _I_ had. I thought, why? Just once, _once_, why can't I get something first? I mean, I was first born, but dead last in everything else."

A lone tear slips down his cheek, but he doesn't seem notice.

"To be even more honest, you weren't the first guy I've tried to force away from him. There were several others. The only difference between you and them, was that you refused to leave, and they all bolted. That pissed me off even more. Because you actually _loved_ him enough to put up with me. Nobody has ever even loved me, let alone so deeply. Then it turned into a pride thing. From there...things just got wildly out of control. I never meant for it to go this far. You know I didn't want Feli dead. I just..."

He completely breaks down here. His eyes are like tiny waterfalls. Tears rain down his cheeks and his body shakes with sobs. I've never seen him like this before.

"I just wanted to be happy...first...just once..."

He sits on my couch, sobbing until he's exhausted. With nothing else to say, he gets up to leave.

At the door, he pauses and turns to look at me.

"I'm so sorry Germany. You have no idea how truly sorry I am. I'd give anything to trade places with my brother, so he could still be alive. He didn't deserve any of the shit I put him through. But I'm happy I ran off his other boyfriends, because if I hadn't, he would have stayed with one of those losers, and he never would have found you."

I honestly don't know how to respond to that, so I just nod and mutter a quiet thank you.

"Romano...I have a question. after Italy died...why didn't you accept the change of name? All of Italy is yours now. His half belongs to you. Technically, you are Italy."

He smiles sadly and shakes his head.

"No. I'm not Italy. Maybe I wanted to be when I was a child, but I'm not him. I'll never be him. I could never live up to who he was, as a person. It wouldn't have been right."

I'm astonished. He leaves, and it's the last we ever speak again.

I don't know what to do with this new information. It explains allot, and I don't hate Romano as much now. I know now that he was hurting. Deeply hurting. He was lonely. That doesn't make what he did right, but loneliness is something I understand. It can kill people.

I'm not ready to forgive him. I still want him to suffer. But then, I realize that he's been suffering his entire life, and he'll always hold the guilt of shooting Feliciano. That will weigh him down for the rest of his life.

I need to make a phone call.

Layers of dust have collected on my telephone. It hasn't been used in decades. I brush away most of the dust, pick up the receiver, and hear the familiar dial tone. It's amazing I remember any phone numbers, let alone this one, as I never called him much before.

_Ring. Ring. Ring_.

I wait as it rings a few more times, before a hesitant, _'Hola?_' Is spoken.

"Ja, Spain? It's me. Germany."

"_G-Germany? Is it really you?_"

He's astonished to hear from me. I haven't contacted anyone since Italy died.

"_Is...is everything ok? I'm shocked that you would call me..._"

"I got a surprise visit from Romano today. He told me a few things, and there's something you should know."

"_Uh...is he...still alive?_"

"Huh? Ja, he's fine. At least, he was when he left..."

"_Oh...ok...go on._"

So, I summed up what Romano said about how he thought everyone always hated him, but he tried not to take it out on Feliciano. Then I explained that Romano had been in love with Spain for a very, very long time, and the reason he tried to get between Italy and I was because he just wanted to get happiness before his brother. When I finished, Spain was silent for a long time. I almost thought his line went dead.

"_Germany...you're serious? This isn't a joke?_"

"Spain, I've been a social recluse for decades. Why would I call you now if this were a joke?"

"_Oh Germany...thank you! Thank you so much for calling...that idiot! I've always cared about him, and the older he got, the more I realized I liked him...this is amazing news! But...why? Why would you tell me this? You know this will make him happy..."_

"I know."

"_I thought...you hated him?_"

"I do...but not as much as I used to. I figured, he's suffered his entire life. It's time for something nice to happen to him. Besides. Italy..."

My voice cracked as his name parted from my lips.

"Italy would want this. He'd want Romano to find happiness."

"_Germany...you are a good man. You have a heart of pure gold._"

I'm not too sure I agree with this, but I don't say anything. We hang up, and I sigh. I'm crying again. I allow myself a few minutes to collect myself, and then, I start cleaning.

My house is filthy. I need to get back on track.

I clean my house, eat a decent meal, take a much needed hot shower, and get dressed.

Then, I leave. I get in my car and drive to the store. I pick up a few things, then drive to the cemetery.

I haven't visited his grave in long while. I couldn't handle it before. But today, I need to.

I brush away the cobwebs and dirt that has collected on his grave stone and read the words etched into the rock.

_Feliciano Vargas_

_Nation of North Italy_

_Loving Brother, Friend, Lover_

_Casualty of War_

_He will forever remain in our hearts_

Beneath the words is the date of his birth, to the date of his death, and a plate of pasta is carved beautifully into the rock beneath that. We all knew he would like it.

My heart throbs painfully in my chest as I read it, and run my fingers over the picture.

I place a bouquet of flowers in the middle of his grave and smile sadly.

"Hallo Feli. It's been awhile, I know. I'm sorry I haven't visited in awhile. I haven't been strong enough to face your head stone...It's so hard to believe you're really gone, after all these years. What I wouldn't give to see your beautiful face one last time...hear your voice, listen to you laugh...feel the warmth of your skin against mine...oh Italy...I miss you so much."

I stand there silently for a few minutes, collecting myself once again. Then, I tell him everything that's happened since he's died, concluding it with Romano's visit and my phone call to Spain.

"I hope Romano and Spain work out together...he really deserves it after all the heartache he's carried with him. I think I've finally managed to forgive him...but I'll never be able to forget the pain he's caused..."

The sun is setting behind me when I finally decided it's time to leave. I kiss the tips of my fingers and place them gently to his name on his head stone.

"I'll come visit again soon...I think I'm finally learning to live without you, but I'll never be able to move on from you. _Ich liebe dich, Italien_. I love you..."

I walk slowly back to my car and go home. Tomorrow, I will call my brother. Then, I think I'll call Japan. It wasn't fair to leave them alone when they were suffering as well.

Maybe in a few years, my life can return to normal.

That is, as normal as it can be without Italy.

_Ich werde nie vergessen, dir meine Liebe._

I'll never forget you, my love.

* * *

**((Poor Germany! You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not make Italy come back to life TT^TT *sniffles* Please, please, please review! I really want feedback on this story! Thanks for reading!))**


End file.
